Positive Frustration Article by Dr. Karen Reivich
This morning my 3-year-old daughter was trying to tie her shoe. No matter what she did, she couldn't make a pretty bow. She felt frustrated, and it didn't feel good to her – or to me! My impulse was to take over. But even though it's hard to see our children struggle, frustration and failure are a necessary step in developing the "I can do it" attitude that is critical for self-confidence and resilience.
A challenge for parents is how to promote what I call "Positive Frustration." You can build Positive Frustration by thinking about these critical questions:
- Is this the right amount of frustration? If it's too much, the child feels overwhelmed and becomes helpless. If it's the right amount, the child learns how to manage it and develop skills.
- Does this frustration play to my child's strengths and interests? If it does, it can be a positive experience and the child is more likely to persist through the frustration.
- Is this developmentally appropriate frustration? Sometimes modifying games/ toys to be more age appropriate can reduce frustration.
If the answer to these is "yes," it may be best to let your child work through the frustration herself. But sometimes, we need to intervene. First, ask your child to share how he feels and let him know that frustration is normal. Next, help him learn how to manage frustration and complete the task. You can use breathing exercises or do a "shake off the grumpies" dance. You can also suggest taking a 2-minute break, but don't forget to go back! Breaks are a valuable coping strategy, but if you don't return to the task you instead reinforce giving up.
Finally, help your child to figure out a different strategy. If she's trying to do a puzzle and keeps forcing the piece into the spot, ask "can you think of a way to turn that piece so that it might fit better?" Focusing on strategies helps your child build self-confidence and increases the chances that she will overcome the obstacle and reach her goal.