Self-Efficacy versus Self-Esteem Article by Dr. Karen Reivich
When our children are upset, our first instinct is often to soothe them with what
I call a “self-esteem enhancer:” praise to immediately make them feel better. These
statements are often very general, like “you were great!” or “you’re the best!”
Here’s an example: Cindy is a 10-year-old girl who enrolls in a dance class. But
while the other girls float, twirl and leap gracefully around the room, Cindy
trudges, thuds, gets dizzy and nearly falls over. Cindy knows that dancing is
not for her. Although she persists, the night of the recital is a let-down. When
she meets her parents in the auditorium, she complains: "Oh that was painful! I
was the anti-ballerina! " Her parents, wanting to cheer her up and build her
self-esteem say, "You were beautiful. You looked lovely and you were a star!"
The biggest problem with "self esteem enhancers" like this is that they often
rely on sugar-coated truths and they don't teach children skills. Her parents'
enthusiasm doesn't change Cindy's experience; but it does teach Cindy that she
can't count on her parents to understand her reality. What Cindy needs in this
moment isn't a pep talk. She needs to be able to share with her parents what it
felt like to be the "anti-ballerina.”
If Cindy's parents were focused on self-efficacy instead of self-esteem they
would have responded differently. When Cindy got off the stage they would have
first let her share her feelings, they'd explore her beliefs about herself as a
dancer, and then they'd help her to find an activity that engaged her talents
and strengths. Rather than say, "You were a star" they might say, "I know that
was hard for you. How did you get yourself through it?" This acknowledges the
reality of the situation and helps Cindy to see herself as someone who can cope
with a challenge. Cindy will be much happier and will be more resilient in the
face of adversity, if her parents help her to identify her "go to" coping
strategies than if they offer anemic praise.
Tips for Self-Efficacy enhancers
- Slow down! Instead of automatically offering praise, ask yourself what you can
say to your child that will be honest but also help her figure out how to cope
with similar situations in the future.
- Be specific. Name what they did that was wonderful or great. For example, "Your
bounce passes were really strong" or "You sang the high notes really well".
- Name a skill that your child can use to cope with the situation. You can say,
"You have such a great ability to speak up for yourself, how might that help you
in this situation?" or "You've got really strong passing skills, how could you
rely on those more in the next game?"
Remember, the more you practice self-efficacy enhancers the easier they will
become.