Creating Rituals and Traditions - December 2010
"Red and Pink" dinner on Valentine's Day. Creating a "Gratitude Poster" on Thanksgiving. Throwing flowers into the creek behind my mother's house on the Jewish New Year. Sorting all of the Halloween candy by type and size after the kids come back from trick-or-treating. Playing board games at family events. These are some of our family rituals and traditions. Some are a bit silly, yet all are meaningful. They connect us to each other, communicate what we value, and mark the passage of time.
Most families have rituals and traditions. They can be linked to holidays or major life events like birthdays and graduations. Others can be everyday rituals that help bring meaning and togetherness to the family's daily life, like bedtime stories, family dinners, or game night. Research shows that when families engage in more shared activities and keep rituals and traditions, they have less conflict and a greater sense of family cohesion and belonging.*
Think about the family traditions and rituals you keep:
- How did they develop? Who helped create the ritual or tradition?
- What does the ritual or tradition communicate about what you value and believe in?
- How does your family feel when participating in a ritual or tradition?
As the children in the family get older, it's important to create new rituals that match where they are developmentally. Jacob, Aaron and Jonathan (13, 13 and 11 years old respectively) are no longer interested in reading chapter books with me or my husband at bedtime, but Shayna (6 years old) still considers it a favorite part of her day. While the boys are no longer interested in bedtime reading, we've discovered a few other rituals that match their age level and maintain our sense of family togetherness. For example, we "commit" to a television series that we'll always watch together (this year it's Glee). It's not quite as cuddly as reading in bed but it's a better match for where they are in their lives (and they'll actually do it with us!).
Here are some ideas for creating family rituals and traditions. Include your children in developing the rituals to ensure that everyone enjoys them!
- Create a ritual around food. It can range from "Pizza Night Tuesday" to "Rennid" night once a month—"Rennid" is dinner spelled backwards so you eat dinner backwards that night; first the dessert, then the meal!
- Create a ritual around a family value. Make a list of what your family values most and then create a ritual or tradition around some of those values. For example, if you value fitness, you can have a family Saturday morning walk or hike.
- Create an age appropriate bedtime ritual. Younger children might enjoy singing or reading together before lights out. Older children might prefer spending fifteen minutes listening to music, talking about the day, or doing a crossword puzzle or Sudoku.
- Create a family photo tradition. Pick a spot where you will take a family photo at the same time each year. It could be on your front porch or by a specific tree. Over time, you'll get to watch as your family grows...and laugh at some of the haircuts and fashion trends!
- Create a Character Strength ritual. Design a monthly ritual that highlights a character strength that you want to enhance in your family. For example, one month you can highlight the strength of optimism and hope by keeping a list on your refrigerator of things that you hope for (your favorite football team wins, you get a letter from your pen pal, your Aunt feels better soon, etc.). The next month you could highlight the character strength of playfulness by having a joke night. And the next month you could highlight the strength of gratitude by writing a family letter to someone who has positively influenced your family.
The most important thing is that you ritualize the ritual. It's not a ritual or tradition if you only do it once!
Sincerely,
Karen Reivich, Ph.D.
* Reference: Dickstein, S. (2002) Family routines and rituals: The importance of family functioning. Journal of Family Psychology, 6(4), 441-444.