Dealing with disrespect
Back talk--when your teenager rudely tells you that you are a tyrant or an idiot--has to be one of the hardest things for parents to deal with. Respect for parents is highly valued in every culture. Ways of showing respect differ from family to family. Some require prompt obedience without any protest; others are more relaxed. But disrespectful behavior is a tough challenge regardless of the specific form it takes.
As with other dilemmas of raising teens, there are no magic prescriptions to cure back talk, but some ways of dealing with it are more helpful than others.
- First, calm yourself. The natural response to back talk is anger. You might notice that your pulse has picked up and the muscles in your face, hands, and chest have tightened. Your body is preparing to fight, but fighting with a mouthy teenager usually just makes matter worse; both of you are likely to end up resentful and exhausted. Instead of lashing out, take a moment or two to calm yourself down. Take three deep, relaxing breaths and notice how your shoulders soften as you exhale. Now you are ready to respond effectively.
- Give clear feedback. Let your teen know what he has done and how it makes you feel. Try to be specific, and keep your comments simple. For example, you might say, "When you use that tone of voice with me, it makes me angry." For maximum effect, speak quietly but clearly and look your child squarely in the eye. This sort of response does several good things: It lets your child know precisely what he did that was unacceptable; it lets him know that he does not have the power to shake your self-control; and it teaches him to use words to communicate emotions like anger, rather than acting out the emotions.
- Refocus on your goal. One of the reasons teens talk back is that it diverts their parents' attention from whatever it was the parents wanted in the first place. Let's say, for example, that you've just told your child that he needs to remove the dirty dishes from his bedroom. If he succeeds in engaging you in a shouting match, chances are he won't have to deal with the mess in his room, at least for a while. Part of your response to back talk, then, should be to repeat whatever it was you said in the first place. "I know it makes you mad, but you still need to clean up your room."